Marbles
by Katana Black
Summary: If Dr. Hojo wanted him to act like he was insane, then by Gaia, he was going to give them insane. It would be fantastic. It would be godly. It would be, like, "Party up in Nibelheim. #jenova #milf #hometownswag #sailthecosmos". WARNINGS: OBSCENE language throughout, suggested violence. No yaoi (for now). Pure crack. Slightly OOC. Nibelheim incident with minor timeline alterations.
1. In Which Seph Loses His Fucking Marbles

It was unnaturally silent in his office. For once, Zack was wordlessly reading a message on his PHS, rather than filling the room with some incessant noise or another. Sephiroth stared through his computer, the importance of the information on its screen escaping him as he thought about more pressing matters. "You know," he finally said, "I think I'm gonna take over the world."

Zack's head popped up, wide blue eyes focusing on Sephiroth's thoughtful face. "What?"

Sephiroth shook his head. "Nonononono—actually, yeah. I just decided. I'm going to take over the world," he said, changing and reforming his mind in a few moment's span.

Zack looked around the room, as if he'd spot the hidden camera in the corner. "_What? _Seph, I don't think that's a good-"

"I think it's a fan-fucking-tastic idea," Sephiroth interjected. "And I know just the place to start. What's his hometown?"

"W-What?"

"That little tumor you've recently acquired," he said, motioning with his fingers. "The fucking shrimp, the one that looks like a chocobo's asshole."

"_Cloud?!_"

"What's his last name?"

"_Strife?!"_

Sephiroth calmly typed the name into his database, pulling up a picture of a young boy with remarkably shaped golden hair. "Yeah, that's him," he said. "Nibbleheim. No, _Nibel_heim. Got it."

He stood up, kitting himself with his overcoat and Masamune. "I'll be right back, I'mma go raze this place to the ground."

"What the _fuck?_ _Sephiroth?_" Zack's voice had reached a pitch of bewilderment suitable for training dogs. Sephiroth hardly cared less.

"Gonna go pick up Mother, and then we're gonna fucking _rage,_" he said with a smirk, making to sweep past Zack and out the door.

"Holy shit, somebody call...somebody call someone," Zack shouted, planting himself in the doorway to Sephiroth's office. Behind him, Sephiroth's secretary gave him alarmed looks, but made no move to action.

"Zack, get out of my _way_," Sephiroth said, irritation lining his voice. "I'll be right back, and then we can dance, or make-out, or whatever the fuck your gay ass is trying to do to me right now." He tried unsuccessfully to maneuver his way around Zack without using brute force, to no avail.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what did he put in your Mako shots?!"

"Outta my way, Fair."

"General Sephiroth...sir?"

The small voice came from behind Zack's broad back, occluding his view of a face, but Sephiroth knew there was no mistaking that miserable coif of golden spikes peeking out from the sides. "Ah. Cockholster," he greeted. "Very good."

Cloud easily matched Zack's level of astonishment in mere seconds. _"Sir?"_

"I may as well inform you, I'm off to burn your hometown to the ground," Sephiroth stated with militant efficiency. "Is there anyone you'd like me to spare?"

"I—wha—_sir?_"

"No? No one?" Sephiroth grinned like a child on Christmas, though it lacked the same charming effect. "Very well, Cumdumpster. Didn't realize you were hiding a black hole for a heart inside that 12-year-old girl's body."

"_I'm sixteen!_ And _male!_" Cloud forgot his shock at the state of his general in a moment of righteous indignation as he deliberately craned around Zack's body to stare Sephiroth down.

"Perfect," Sephiroth, finally opting for savagery and sending Zack to the ground with a crafty throw. "Zack, make sure he makes it into SOLDIER. We could use a couple more heartless killing machines like Cockbite here."

Cloud glanced between his fallen friend and the fast escaping general. "My name is _Cloud,_" he said, helping Zack to his feet, and then quickly trailing behind as they hurried to catch up with Sephiroth.

"Why are you two still following me? This is a one man mission," he said, determinedly continuing on his path to the elevator as they ran alongside him.

"Sir, are you drunk?"

"Seph, are you _high_?"

"Probably," Sephiroth said, frowning deeply as Zack managed to cut in front of him, blocking the elevator. "To both. I'm too drunk and/or high to really know anymore. Or maybe I've just lost my fucking marbles, who knows?" He narrowed his eyes in warning.

"Seph-"

"Not you little dipshits, that's for sure," he continued with a snort. "Get the fuck out of my way."

Zack crossed his arms. "Sephiroth, I _cannot_ let you leave the building like this," he said.

Sephiroth rolled his catlike peridot eyes. "You and what fucking army is gonna stop me? The army I'm the general of?"

"Seph—"

Cloud stepped in between Zack and Sephiroth. Perhaps rational talking would be of better use in this situation. "Sir, I think maybe you should take a couple moments to just, you know, calm down," he said, "maybe take a breather—"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "I'll take a couple moments to shove my sword through your eye socket if you don't get the fuck outta my way," he said.

"Cloud," Zack said, hastily pulling the young man to the side.

"Thank you, Zack," Sephiroth said, pushing the button for the elevator. "Wise judgment. The cancer lives another day." He entered the carriage and was about to push the button for the top floor when Zack darted through the door, pulling Cloud behind him. Sephiroth glared at him, highly unamused.

Zack gave him a weak smile. "Seph, at least take us with you," he pleaded. If he couldn't stop Sephiroth from leaving for Nibelheim, maybe he could change his mind once they got there. "We could, uh...we could keep watch! Make sure no one else gets in your way."

"No one's getting in the way of a seven foot katana," Sephiroth deadpanned.

Cloud cleared his throat, reminding the two SOLDIERs that there was another occupant in the elevator. "Zack, he does have a point," he said.

Sephiroth nodded. "There you go," he said. "The little asshole speaks truth."

"Spiky, shut up," Zack said. The blond boy only shrugged, and Zack tugged on his hair in exasperation. "Seph! Please, just take us with you!"

"Nope," Sephiroth said. "Go away." The elevator dinged for the top floor.

Cloud was catching on more quickly than Zack. "Sir, I'd really like to witness the magnificence of your destruction firsthand, if it pleases you," he said.

"Done. Hurry up," Sephiroth said, striding from the elevator and making his way to the rooftop access stairwell, Cloud close on his heels.

Zack gawked for a moment before remembering to hurry after the pair. "Wh-what? Seriously? You're taking _him_?" His shriek echoed around the stairwell, amplifying his disbelief.

"He asked nicely," Sephiroth said. "And any human being who willingly wants to watch as I obliterate his hometown off the map gains my immediate and eternal approval." He pushed through the door at the top of the stairwell, bursting onto the rooftop without so much as a backwards glance. Cloud dutifully remained closer to Sephiroth than his own shadow.

Zack was indignant as he strode out onto the blacktop. "You can't take him without taking me," he argued, speeding up to a light jog as he tried to keep pace with Sephiroth.

"Really? 'Cause it looks like that's exactly what I'm doing," Sephiroth said. "Reno."

The prominent feature of the rooftop was the flamboyantly redheaded pilot standing beside the majestic black helicopter sitting on the pad, casually smoking a cigarette. At Sephiroth's command, he gave a sloppy salute and climbed into the helicopter, firing up the rotors without a word.

Zack knew he was losing time, fast. "Seph, you can't—"

"You've yet to give me a reason other than brainless sputtering as to why you may not be left behind," Sephiroth pointed out, pulling himself up beside Reno. He raised an eyebrow as he glanced at Zack. He would give him exactly ten seconds.

Cloud could tell Zack's defeat was imminent, and while he certainly thought it was probably a good idea to stop Sephiroth from slaughtering his entire village, he wasn't about to take on a psychotic SOLDIER on his own. He elbowed Zack, glaring frantically and motioning with his hands before he started pacing and muttering to himself. Sephiroth's foot began slowly tapping as his patience wore down.

It almost took Zack too long to catch the obvious excuse. "I—I—I'm his handler," he finally shouted, whirling back towards Sephiroth. "Young chocobos shouldn't travel without their handlers. How are you going to control him when he gets unruly?" Zack held his breath, hoping that the tactic of fighting crazy with crazier would work.

"...You will also clean up after him, and make sure he is fed," Sephiroth finally said, after a long perusal of Cloud's entire being.

Zack nearly danced. "Yeah! I'll take care of him entirely," he immediately agreed.

Sephiroth nodded as he pulled on his headset. "A point I overlooked," he said. "Well done, Zack, you may accompany us."

Cloud punched his friend in the arm. "I can't believe you just did that, Zack," he hissed. Zack damn well knew that he hated anyone who propagated the rumours that he was the love child between a succubus and a chocobo, and convincing Sephiroth that he was an animal who necessitated a _handler_ was doing exactly that.

Zack held his hands up in a penitent gesture. "I'll make it up to you, Spiky, promise," he pleaded.

"Hey," Sephiroth called out, fingers drumming against the dash, "if you two ladies are done fingering each other, I would like to depart."

Cloud and Zack immediately ceased their fighting.

"Right there, Seph."

"Coming, sir."

* * *

A/N: I'm very aware that this is not an update to any of my chaptered stories. In my defense, the only reason this is being brought up is because I went into my folder to start finishing up some chapters, and this bad boy cock-slapped me in the face, begging to be played with. I have honestly no idea where it came from, probably the dark recesses of my horrible sense of humour. I initially wrote out all the dialogue, and then just filled it out a little. It's not going anywhere, just like it didn't come from anywhere. Just an amusing re-imagining of what actually happened during that incident. I like to think that in some alternate universe somewhere, this is truth.

tl;dr: Have some shits and giggles. I'll get back to the usual programming shortly.


	2. In Which Seph Runs Some Goddamn Errands

Sephiroth fancied himself a madman. A particular brand of madman, but mad nonetheless. After all, he'd learned from the best; Artemis Hojo was as mad as they came. Hojo had been extremely thorough about ensuring that Sephiroth's childhood be as similar as possible to that of a kept animal. How could he have been raised as nothing more than Shinra's supreme soldier of mass destruction, their crowning weapon, their unequaled experiment—and still be expected to be perfectly sane? No, Sephiroth was perfectly certain he was insane, but that was quite all right with him.

Which was why he had exactly zero issues with the way every single villager either stared or ran away in abject horror as he strode through the quaint little town, seeking out the inn. Innkeepers had some of the best gossip, second only to barkeeps in his opinion, though he guessed the bar might not be open so early in the day.

"Then again, they're practically living in Shiva's asshole, so who knows," he muttered to himself, barely tamping down the urge to hiss at a small child. He was glad he'd chosen to wear a thin turtleneck sweater over his T-shirt; mako-enhanced thermoregulation and all, it was still chilly in the September mountain air.

"Sir?"

"I wasn't talking to you, Cockface, mind your own business," Sephiroth snapped. The boy had literally latched onto him from the moment he'd given him permission to board, permission he was sorely beginning to regret granting. He'd purposefully been growing increasingly more callous to the cadet, to no avail. It seemed the little chocobo was entirely impervious to his particular brand of scathing. "Zack!"

The lieutenant, who'd been trailing behind the two of them, marveling not so quietly at his best friend's hometown, picked up his pace. "What's up?"

"You are slacking," Sephiroth informed him.

"Aren't I always?"

Sephiroth stopped dead in his tracks and snatched up Cloud by the back of his neck, maintaining laser-like eye contact with Zack throughout the motion. "Your sole objective on this mission is to keep him out of my way. You are failing miserably, and it will be reflected in my report," he said, raising a single eyebrow.

They both turned their eyes to the struggling cadet, who clawed at Sephiroth's hand in unsuccessful attempts to escape.

"You are being awfully insubordinate," Sephiroth lazily commented as one of Cloud's scratches managed to draw blood.

"You are being awfully...manhandle-y, put me down, sir," Cloud sputtered back.

Sephiroth snorted to cover up his laugh, but released the young man, giving him a push towards Zack. "Contain him," he warned, giving the lieutenant a pointed stare.

"Sir," Zack said, giving a sloppy salute.

The trio made their way to the inn, where Sephiroth proceeded to empty the common room with a single sweeping glare. He turned to the innkeeper, and before he could even say anything, the young lady was fumbling the room keys and leading him up the stairs. Fame had its perks.

He requested two rooms, one for the lieutenant, the chocobo, and himself, and a second for the pilot and his partner. After the lady gave her spiel about dinner and breakfast and towels, Sephiroth thanked her for her hospitality, and she returned downstairs, though not without an apprehensive backwards glance.

"Seph," Zack called from inside their room, "there's only two beds in here."

Sephiroth ducked into the room, mindful of the low doorframe. "Perfect," he said, "one for you and one for Clusterfuck."

"I have a name, sir," said Cloud. He was summarily ignored.

Zack's face contorted in confusion. "What about you?"

"I'm going out," Sephiroth said, readjusting his duffel bag's shoulder strap. "I need to run some errands."

Zack's eyes widened. "Errands, like...destroying Nibelheim?"

"Personal errands," Sephiroth responded coldly.

"Destroying Nibelheim seems pretty personal, if you ask me," Zack said with a shrug.

Sephiroth nearly rolled his eyes, but stopped himself in time. It was a bad habit he'd picked up from Genesis, anyway. Genesis; he made a mental note to add the AWOL soldier to his To-Do List. "You're not going to stop me, so you can cut that shit out right now."

"What shit? I just wanted to know—"

"In case you've forgotten, this is still a one man mission, and you are not privy to the mission specs, Lieutenant," Sephiroth said sternly. "I only agreed to bring the little shit because it's his hometown, and I only agreed to bring _you_ because you agreed to keep the little shit away from me."

"My name is Cloud, not 'little shit'," Cloud pointed out.

Sephiroth glared at Cloud. "Shut your fucking mouth, you little shit," he said.

"Seph! You can't talk to him like that," Zack said, glancing between the general and the cadet.

"Can, have, and will," Sephiroth said, unsheathing his sword mid-sentence. "Go ahead, try to stop me. Make my fucking day."

From the look in his superior officer's eyes, Cloud was approximately 100% certain Sephiroth was not above impaling his own lieutenant. "Zack, it's okay, he can call me little shit."

"No, he can't, just 'cause he—"

"MY POINT BEING," Sephiroth interrupted loudly. They both turned their attention back to him, and he sheathed his sword. "The two of you are to remain here. If you must leave this room, you are not to leave the boundaries of this town."

"That's bullshit," Zack said.

"No, that's an order."

"You can't order us to stay here."

"Can, have and will. Go ahead—"

"Zack, he's the general," Cloud cut in, noticing the twitch in Sephiroth's left hand out of the corner of his eye. "Technically, he _can _order us to stay here."

"The little shit speaks truth. Zack, you should really take a page from his book."

"I'm not taking any pages from any books! Seph, I'm not gonna just sit here while you destroy an entire—"

"For the love of mako, errands! I said I have to run some goddamn errands!"

"So you'll be back, then?"

Sephiroth looked around evasively. "Eventually, yes...probably to evacuate all SOLDIER personnel to the helicopter before I raze this place to the ground, but yes, I will be back," he said with a shrug.

Zack stared wordlessly at Sephiroth for a few moments before uttering a single word. "No."

"No, what?"

"You will be back before dinner."

"Who the fuck died and made you my mother?" Sephiroth scoffed. "Oh, wait, my mother's dead and/or some kind of psychotic, psychic alien species waiting for me to pick her up so we can sail the cosmos with this planet as our vessel. Her words, not mine." He was rambling and he knew it, but they were wasting his time, and he was getting irritated. He took a deep breath.

Zack and Cloud glanced at each other, and then stared incredulously at Sephiroth. "...What?" they exclaimed simultaneously.

"YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME, DIPSHIT," Sephiroth shouted. "In fact, I'm in charge of you, and I'm ordering you to stay here."

"I'm going to follow you," Zack said.

"No, you're not," Sephiroth said.

"Yes, I am."

"You will not."

"I will."

"I swear to Gaia, Zackary, if you turn this into a babysitting trip, I will burn you alive with the rest of this fucking town, do I make myself clear?"

It wasn't necessarily the severity of his words, but actually seeing the faint glow of magic at Sephiroth's fingertips that made Zack consider changing tactics.

"All right, we won't follow after you—"

"I'm not fucking kidding—"

"We won't follow. I promise. Orders received."

"Are you fucking with me?"

"Absolutely not. We won't follow you."

"Hmm," Sephiroth said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"As long as you promise you'll be back tonight for dinner," Zack said quickly.

Sephiroth's eyebrows nearly flew off his face. "_What?_"

"You heard me," Zack said, though a little less confidently. "Come on, Seph, Cloud really wants you to come back for dinner."

Cloud looked like it was the first time he was hearing of his own intentions. "I do?"

"_Yes_, he does," Zack said, staring pointedly at his spikey-haired companion. "His mother's gonna make something special."

Again, Cloud appeared to be the last to know, Sephiroth noticed.

"She is?" said the little blond.

"_Yes,_ she is," Zack said, teeth gritted. "Cloud really wants to introduce us to her, doesn't he?"

"He...does. I mean, I do," Cloud said. It seemed he was finally on the same page as his co-conspirator as he nodded enthusiastically. "I want to introduce you to my mother."

"...You really want to introduce me to your mother," Sephiroth said, allowing sarcasm to drip from every syllable.

"Yes, sir?"

"I'm going to destroy this town, and everyone in it."

"Yes, sir?"

"That includes her."

"I...think I understand that now, sir."

"And you still want to introduce me to her."

Cloud glanced over to Zack, who clearly never learned the proper meaning of "subtle". Cloud sighed. If Zack thought it was the only way, then... "Yes, sir," he said.

Sephiroth's shoulders shook as he held a gloved hand pressed to his mouth, cackling silently. "Holy shit," he said, trying hard not to snort. "Fine. I'll be back."

"You'll come back for dinner?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, I will come back for dinner."

"Good. I'll be waiting."

"Wear something pretty, babe," Sephiroth called out. "Maybe that little pink number with the frilly panties."

"Fuck you, Seph. Fuck you," Zack shouted at the closed door.

* * *

A/N: This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to have more ideas for a continuing story, and I certainly wasn't supposed to write them down. But I did, so this is happening. I'm not even going to edit these properly. It might get gay. It might not. I'll just keep writing until the story works itself out. I think it's because I'm really stressed out right now, and this...this is fun. Since I'm not worried about making it pretty, it's been coming pretty fast. HA. Coming. I think that basically sums up how this little story is going to go.

I think part of why this is all happening is because I read tons of Seph fanfiction, I've written Seph fanfiction, I've played Crisis Core, and always in the back of my mind is the faintest voice saying things like Isn't Sephiroth supposed to be around 20 years old at the beginning of Crisis Core? and Wouldn't it be neat to write a fanfiction that both embraces the fact that they're JUST FUCKING KIDS but still retains the insane level of maturity they have to have to be leading a GODDAMN ARMY?

Things like this are what I think about.

Anyway, I've already written out dialogues for the next two installments, and I can tell you right now, I'm fucking with the timeline, because in my alternate reality universe where this is actually how things happened, Vincent is Sephiroth's birth father did I spoil something for you oops sorry not sorry.

Tifa still has big boobs, though.


	3. In Which Seph Meets His Father

Breaking into the mansion was ludicrously easy. For a mansion that was hiding potentially damning secrets for the entire company, they didn't exactly go out of their way to make said secrets difficult to uncover. Then again, Sephiroth was extensively practiced in the art of breaking and entering. He'd been breaking in and out of places since he was old enough to comprehend what a lock was. If he were a better man, he probably should let someone know that Shinra's security system was so weak a six year old could hack it, but considering _he_ essentially was Shinra's security system, Sephiroth figured it was a zero sum situation.

Having memorized all of the mansion's schematics, making his way through the secret basement corridors was equally as easy. The numerous Sahagin fell easily to his blade, and just as easily did every locked door he encountered. When he finally got to the room he was searching for, he sighed heavily. He reached behind himself and grabbed his hair, pulling it into a ponytail and wrapping it around itself enough to keep it in a loose bun that rested at his nape.

"Hey, Valentine. If you really make me go through all of these coffins, you're gonna fucking regret it," Sephiroth said aloud, though no one answered him, least of all Vincent.

Several minutes later, he kicked the cover off the last coffin with a particularly vicious thrust, and leaned over it. He found himself staring into a perfect replica of the picture on file for Vincent Valentine, ex-Turk, albeit with much longer hair and blood-red eyes. Neither of them spoke for a long while, until Vincent finally asked, "Who are you?"

Sephiroth blinked. The voice was rusty, but unmistakably similar to his own. "Fuck Hojo," he said. "You're my real father." It was a thought he'd been entertaining ever since he uncovered the circumstances surrounding his birth. The timeline potentially allowed for either man to be his father, and if Hojo had lied to him about his mother, Sephiroth was more than willing to entertain the thought that Hojo had lied about being his father. He also had a hard time believing that something as unpleasant as Hojo had sired something as ethereally beautiful as himself. Valentine was a much better fit.

But apparently the man had no idea that he'd been a father before he'd been killed. "Who are you?" he repeated.

"I'm Lucrecia's son. I'm Sephiroth."

Though Vincent's face barely changed, Sephiroth recognized the shock underneath the frozen features. "She...had the baby?"

"Yes, after she allowed Professor Hojo to perform innumerable atrocities to it. Me," Sephiroth amended.

"Atrocities?"

"Fucked me up pretty good," he said with a wry smile. "Injected my foetal self with alien DNA and mako, raised me like an attack dog, you know how it goes."

"He experimented on you."

"Yes."

"You're...her son." Vincent reached out to touch Sephiroth's face. Fingers that were slightly cooler than normal human temperature probed gently at his cheeks. Sephiroth began to laugh.

"I'm sorry," Sephiroth said, stifling his snickers. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh, this is just too cliché."

" Cliché?"

"Yeah. Long lost father reunites with son after 20 years, doesn't say hello, but proceeds to fondle his son's face." Zack had gone through a severe phase where he'd made it his life's business to "socialize" Sephiroth. He didn't know how many movies that he'd been forced to watch by Zack featured this exact type of scene in them.

"...20 years?"

"Yes, 20 years."

"It's too soon, then," Vincent said, withdrawing his hand. "I...haven't atoned for my sins."

Sephiroth snorted derisively. "Yeah, well, you're gonna have to atone in some other way, because I have use for you which requires you to be entirely conscious. Get up," he commanded.

Vincent looked away from Sephiroth and remained still for several moments. "No," he finally said.

Sephiroth took a few steps back and drew Masamune. "Get up, and I'm not going to ask again," he said.

"Aren't I your father? Have times really changed so much that children willfully disobey their fathers now?" He raised a sardonic eyebrow at Sephiroth, and Sephiroth nearly punched the man in the face. It was like looking in the mirror.

"You're being a little shit right now, _Dad,_" he said, flicking his sword meaningfully.

"You aren't so endearing yourself, _son,_" Vincent replied, hand reaching for his gun.

"Why don't you endear yourself to me and get out of that damned coffin," Sephiroth said, eyes narrowing dangerously. He knew he was probably beginning to green up, and didn't bother controlling himself.

Vincent's instinct were screaming at him. As confident as he was, something was telling him this Sephiroth could quite possibly be the single person alive capable of matching him. "Why?" he queried instead.

"Because I'm about to revenge all over Hojo's face, and you're wasting precious time with your petty arguing," Sephiroth answered.

Vincent immediately became thoughtful. "Revenge...against Hojo?"

"Yes," Sephiroth said, glad that he'd finally managed to capture the man's attention.

"Will you kill him?" The emphasis wasn't on whether or not Hojo would be killed, but whether or not it would be by Sephiroth's own hand. It seemed they'd hit common ground.

Sephiroth thought for a moment. "If I let you kill him, will you come with me?"

Vincent contemplated the boy's arrogance. It was incredibly bold of Sephiroth to dangle Hojo in front of him like that, as knowledgeable as he must have been about Vincent's particular skill set. If Sephiroth failed to deliver (though something about the calm, smug expression on the boy's face had him sincerely doubting such a scenario), Vincent could tear him apart.

On the other hand, he was Lucrecia's _child_. He could see her in his eyes, his face, his infuriating way of always managing to get what he wanted.

"Fine," Vincent finally said, turning his face to the side.

"Excellent," Sephiroth said, his lips curving in a smirk. "This way, please."

He waited patiently for Vincent to climb from his place of rest, and then lead him down a maze of corridors. They entered into a dusty library, and through a door across the room, Vincent could see hints of an archaic laboratory. He felt a pinch in his chest as he realized that it was probably the kid's..._his_ kid's own playroom.

"What...exactly did you need my help with again?"

Sephiroth placed his hands on his hips and breathed out softly. "I need to go through all of...this," he said. "Take what's necessary before I burn this place to the ground."

"Hojo's old laboratory..."

"Yes."

"You were..."

"I was born here. Raised here."

Vincent broke eye contact. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Don't be," Sephiroth said, waving his hand dismissively. "It wasn't your fault. You were essentially dead."

"I wasn't dead. I was...sleeping. I should have...if I'd known—"

"He shot you in the chest. I've read his records. There was nothing you could do. Let it go."

"You're oddly forgiving," Vincent said wryly.

Sephiroth snorted. "No," he stated pointedly. "I'm just very familiar with appropriating blame where it does and does not belong."

"Shinra?"

Sephiroth inclined his head and gave a small grin. "Precisely," he said.

Vincent gazed around the musty library. "What exactly is your plan?"

"It's not so much a plan as..." Sephiroth trailed off, unsure of where to even begin. "It's me, I'm...Hojo intends to use me, use my cells...and Jenova...I just can't let this happen. I refuse to be a passive experiment this time." He ran a tired hand over his face and beckoned for Vincent to follow him into the laboratory proper.

"Jenova is an alien entity whose sole purpose is to consume planets. She is a destroyer of worlds, heaven's dark harbinger, the calamity from the sky. However, they did not know this when they first discovered her. They thought she was a Cetra, and sought to create a human-Cetra hybrid using a combination her cells and mako."

"They were wrong," Vincent said. He knew this story.

"Yes. But although they were unsuccessful in recreating the Cetra, certain specimens who were treated with the cells exhibited super-human enhancements."

"SOLDIER."

Sephiroth nodded. "Professor Hojo sought to take the experiment a step further. He injected a foetus with the Jenova mako mixture, giving the Jenova cells a chance to bind to the foetus' DNA as it developed. The foetus was carried to term and successfully delivered, though as he continued development, it became apparent that he did not have Cetra abilities. However, his capabilities far surpassed that of any other SOLDIER to date, so they raised him as a weapon."

"You."

"Me, as well as Angeal Hewley and Genesis Rhapsodos, although Commanders Hewley and Rhapsodos underwent slightly different procedures from myself."

"What was Hojo's endgame in all this?"

Sephiroth paused, fingers clutched tightly onto the railing of an empty laboratory table, its restraints neatly folded on top. "It's a complicated story, but Hojo gained a full understanding of what Jenova is and of what she is capable, and I believe it is his intent to use me to usher in the destruction of the planet. He also..."

"Also what?" When Sephiroth still made no move to answer, Vincent reached out to him. "Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth turned to look at him, eyes in a full mako glow. "He also intends to create more of me. He intends to experiment on SOLDIERS who prove to be ideal matches to recreate me. I can't let him do that, Vincent."

Sephiroth dropped his gaze to the floor before brushing past Vincent, striding quickly back into the library. He sat down heavily in an armchair, and for a moment, Vincent glimpsed the extreme fatigue on the younger man's face.

"I can _hear_ her, Vincent," Sephiroth said. "She talks to me, every day, and it takes everything in me not to succumb. I have...dreams, visions of what she would have me do. It's complete destruction. Flames. Unmitigated death."

There was a moment when Vincent expected the young man to say more as a tortured look crossed his face, but Sephiroth remained silent. He shifted noisily, and almost instantly Sephiroth's face returned to the neutral, if not slightly arrogant, expression he'd come to read as normal. "How can I help?"

Sephiroth stood up. "I have an idea, and based on what I've read on the procedures performed on yourself, I think you might be able to give me some insight," he said.

Vincent nodded. "I'll do what I can. May I ask another question?"

"Go ahead."

"How?"

Somehow, Sephiroth understood what Vincent's implications were. "Hojo severely underestimates me," he said, grinning. "He inadvertently lets things slips which he believes to be beyond my grasp. I started piecing things together, began an investigation of my own."

"If all of his notes are here, then how...?"

Sephiroth scoffed. "He's had all of these things digitized," he explained. "How else was he supposed to continue his research in Midgar? It was just a matter of breaking past a few security programs."

"Does he know you're here?"

"I'm sure he does," Sephiroth said with a laugh. "I wish I could see the look on his face when he realizes that I'm here to fuck up his plans instead of carry them out, though."

The pair glanced at each other and shared a low chuckle. Misery loved company, after all.

* * *

A/N: You can tell this story doesn't follow my usual protocol by the overabundance of ANs, and by overabundance, I mean the fact that there's one in every chapter so far. If I've messed with details, sue me. This story's not really about details, 'cause if it was, I'd probably read things twice before posting them. Continuity is for squares, anyway. And I think most of it makes sense. Or is at least somewhat plausible, which, hey, is more than can be said about some literature out there.

But look! It's Vincent. Everybody loves some Vincent. Vincent makes everything better.


	4. In Which Cloud 'n Zack Make Conversation

"Zack, something's going on."

"Uh, yeah, Spike, I dunno where you've been for the past 24 hours, but it's pretty obvious something's going on. Seph's literally lost his fucking shit."

While the cadet and lieutenant couldn't quite be contented to remain within the limited boundaries of their room at the inn, they respectfully followed their superior's orders by hanging around the fountain at the center of town. Cloud and Zack sat side by side on the fountain's lip, watching as various townspeople passed by and waiting for Sephiroth to return, hopefully a little less batshit crazy. In the meanwhile, it made for great conversation.

"No, not that—he's not insane..." There was something off with Sephiroth. Though his interactions with the man had been fairly few in number, and limited to the most perfunctory of conversations, Cloud had never seen the man so...agitated before. His notice of Cloud had been barely glancing at best, and Cloud had certainly never done anything to warrant such name-calling. Honestly, Cloud hadn't even thought the man would have known such words.

Zack glanced over at his little buddy. "Have we been traveling with the same Sephiroth?"

Cloud rolled his eyes. "No, I mean...yes, he's 'insane,' but it's not..." He waved his hands as he struggled to find appropriate words.

"Not what?"

"I don't know how to describe it. It seems a little too...contrived," Cloud said finally.

"Ooh, big words," Zack said, lips curling.

"Shut up," Cloud said, shoving Zack's shoulder. "Just because you're an illiterate moron doesn't mean the rest of SOLDIER has to be."

"Wow, Thanks, Spikey."

"Calling it like I see it. Back to Sephiroth, don't you think he's being a little bit too logical for someone who's lost his shit?"

One of the Nibelheimers walking past the fountain did a double-take as he recognized Cloud's unique hairstyle. Before the man could even approach him, a lecture already on his tongue, Cloud gave a stiff middle finger. The man paused in his tracks, and at Cloud's raised eyebrow, simply turned away, muttering under his breath.

Zack watched the entire interaction but didn't comment, filing it away in the back of his head. "I feel like that happens sometimes, though, right?" he said instead. "Like, he's got this entire alternate reality built up in his head, and he's following that logic instead of ours. Like, there's some kind of evil voice in his head telling him to do a bunch of evil stuff in a logically evil way."

"That's stupid," Cloud said, eyeing his friend dubiously.

"It could happen," Zack said with a shrug.

"I'm gonna stick with my hypothesis."

"Which is?"

"He's doing something mindlessly dangerous, and he doesn't want anyone to know about it," Cloud said smugly. He threw a harsh glare at someone else who thought it might be a good idea to get on his case once she recognized him.

"Then he shouldn't have brought Turks," Zack said, eyes following the simmering woman as she strode away.

"It's Sephiroth, I'm sure he has ways of making people stay quiet," Cloud explained.

Zack's eyebrows shot up. "Do you understand what a Turk is? They are the end all and be all of keeping people quiet. There is nothing Seph could possibly have on them."

"Do you understand what _Sephiroth_ is? He's basically a step down from the gods." It wasn't an exaggeration. Cloud truly believed that were a fight to break out between Sephiroth and, say, Leviathan, the silver-haired general would at least give the sea serpent a solid run for his throne.

"And Turks are a step up from hell. I'm telling you, he's got nothing," Zack insisted.

"What if he's working with the Turks?"

"Why would he need to do that? No, better question—what could he possibly be doing with the Turks that he can't tell me about?" It had taken Zack a lot of hard work to get to where he was with Sephiroth. He'd be damned if the man _still_ had something he'd sooner go to the Turks over than him.

"I haven't gotten that far yet, but it's obvious why he can't tell you," Cloud said.

It clearly wasn't obvious enough. "Why's that?" Zack asked.

"He doesn't want you getting hurt," Cloud said simply.

Zack broke into full scale laughter. "That's stupid," he said between chuckles, "I'm designed to get hurt. He knows that."

"Thick ass skull aside," Cloud said, "that doesn't matter. He cares about you."

Zack thought about the number of attempts Sephiroth had made on his life in the past week alone. "Questionable," he said wistfully.

"Ooh, where'd you learn a word like that?"

"Piss off," Zack said, flipping him a sharp middle finger. "And that still doesn't explain why he let you come with us, or why he's acting like a goddamn lunatic. Evil Voice Hunch is still winning."

"No, it's not," Cloud said. "You have failed to validate your idea in any way, shape, or form." He broke out the double bird for a gaggle of girls he recognized from his middle school class.

"You know, you're even starting to talk like him," Zack said, waving at the girls as they turned their affronted noses.

"Like who?"

"Seph. It's a little creepy. You should stop crushing so hard on him. Ha! Get it? Hard on—"

"Yes, Zack, I get it, and shouldn't you take your own advice?" He reclined backwards until his head rested in Zack's lap so he could stare at his namesake.

"I do not have a crush on Sephiroth—"

"_That_ explains why you're always kissing his ass," Cloud interrupted.

"-I have a loving girlfriend waiting for me under the Plate, thank you very much," Zack said, poking his finger into Cloud's forehead.

"A miracle of god that she can even stand your face," Cloud retorted.

"Keep up that bitchy attitude and he'll never go for you."

"I don't want him to go for me. Just because I respect the general doesn't mean I want to suck his dick."

"Uh-huh. And do you prefer doggystyle or missionary? I'll be sure to let him know," Zack said, pretending to take notes.

Cloud's eyes narrowed. "Missionary, Aerith says doggy hurts her boobs too much," he said venomously.

Zack froze. "I would punch you, but I'm actually pissed enough that I might break several bones," he said, carefully crossing his arms over his chest to keep from throttling his little friend. His girlfriend was off limits in the course of their banter, and Cloud knew that.

"I'm sorry," Cloud said monotonously.

"No, you're not," Zack said. It was the exact same was Sephiroth said he was sorry. And everyone knew Sephiroth was _never_ sorry.

"You're right," Cloud said after a moment, and sat him. "Look, eleven o'clock. I used to have a massive crush on that girl. Feel free to tell her every embarrassing story about me you know."

"Used to?"

Cloud spent more than a moment fully appreciating his childhood friend as she had grown up. "On second thought, I might still," he said, cocking his head. "Her tits got _huge_."

Zack grinned. "Works for me," he said, standing up and brushing his hands on his pants. "She'll never look you in the eye without laughing again. See you later." He saluted Cloud.

"Later, dipshit," Cloud said with a soft laugh. He watched as Zack introduced himself to her—far enough away that he couldn't hear the exact conversation, but close enough that he could see the surprise on her face as he mentioned that he knew Cloud—and effectively strong-armed her away from the source of her consternation. He waved as she glanced over her shoulder and received a tentative smile for his efforts.

He could worry about Tifa later, he decided, as he returned to his reclining position. Right now, he has a silver-haired general to figure out.

* * *

A/N: Big ass tittays, man, big ass tittays. So what if this chapter is basically filler? This entire _story_ is fucking filler. _Life_ is filler. Think about _that_. Plus, it has titties, so it's all good.

Did I mention I'm leaving for Japan in a couple months? Yeah...that's happening. Maybe I should start doing random fun facts about my current state of affairs in these ANs, make them interesting. Or not, considering this story is way more interesting than real life.

Coming up: Sephiroth kicks some kid's ass, then kicks another kid's ass. Sephiroth kicks a lot of ass, let's just leave it at that. Oh, and Cloud thinks this is fucking stupid.


End file.
